Love, Forgiveness, and Wasting Your Time

As a teenager, I was invited by some of my elementary school teachers to be a clown at a school carnival. I’m not sure why I was asked. Perhaps, my teachers assumed that I would be just the person to wear heavy make-up and bright colorful clothing. No matter the reason, I showed up at the carnival painted for the occasion.

I knew almost nothing of clowning. My skills fell quite short. My balloon animals were primarily snakes, and my magic tricks always failed. Still, I came armed with one piece of knowledge: There are some children who are deathly afraid of clowns. I quickly learned who were the most horrified. Their eyes would grow larger, and their lips quivered. If I did not back away, the wailing and screaming would begin. I was usually far away by then. I am not conflict-averse. I just have no desire to force my rubber nose into a situation where I am not wanted. Amazingly, parents praised my behavior. They thanked me for my gentleness and consideration.

Recently, I thought about this situation while reading some of the blogs on the Harvard Business Review’s website. Marshall Goldsmith writes the “Ask the Coach” blog, and he recently received the question, “Your job is to help people achieve positive, lasting change in behavior. How do you deal with people who have no desire to change?” His answer: “I don’t.”

He states further…

“If they do not care, do not waste your time.

Research on coaching is clear and consistent. Coaching is most successful when applied to people with potential who want to improve -- not when applied to people who have no interest in changing. This is true whether you are acting as a professional coach, a manager, a family member, or a friend.

Your time is very limited. The time you waste coaching people who do not care is time stolen from people who want to change.”

I’m a pastor, and I have thought long and hard about this piece of advice. As pastors, often we are teaching, coaching and serving some stiff-necked people. Is it a waste of time? I remember the story of the prophet Hosea who takes a wife of ill repute. The prophet’s marriage was a living parable of God’s continual love to his people in the midst of infidelity. God was not willing to give up. I remember Peter’s question to Jesus:

“Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21)

I also remember Jesus’ answer:

“I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22)

I am certainly glad that God never gave up on me.

Still, prophets are killed. Pastors receive hostility. Some shun the gift of Christian fellowship. At those times, you want to simply dust off your sandals and quote Jesus’ other words:

“Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” (Matthew 7:6)

Nonetheless, we have moved far from the original question. “How do we help people make positive changes when they are unwilling to change?” Surprisingly, I believe that the answer remains, “We don’t.” We do not control what other people say or do. We do not own the outcomes. We should not force our love and teaching on people unwilling to listen. We must simply work hard to remain faithful in our witness.

Teaching, coaching and serving take great discernment. Pastors should examine themselves. We need to search our own motives. There are several things that may motivate a coach, but a pastor should be motivated by love—love for God and love for neighbor. Are we helping others out of a sense of self-righteousness? Are we ourselves living with hypocrisy? Humility and repentance can break down barriers between pastors and parishioners. As the exchange between Jesus and Peter suggests, we are to love and forgive those we are trying to help. That does not mean condone everything that they do, but that does mean that we should continue to walk alongside them. In a climate of hostility, we are not to return evil for evil. Our integrity must be worth more than that. A pastor who is being abused needs to get help. We should continue to love and forgive, but abuse should not be tolerated.

There is a question of stewardship. Do we continue to offer time and talents on those unwilling to respond? I tend to agree with the Harvard Business coach that we should focus our efforts on those who desire to grow. However, the danger for a pastor is that we spend all our time with people that we like or like us. Sometimes God calls us to engage in what we might believe is “wasted time.” I know many examples of curmudgeons whose faith deepened as a result of a pastor unwilling to walk away. A pastor shouldn’t abandon a pastorate for light and transient reasons. Nonetheless, there are times to move on: when a ministry has been completed, when skills no longer match the needs, etc. These decisions should be based upon God’s timing and calling. In fact, a ministry can sometimes be damaged by sticking around. There are many clowns who overstay their welcome.

Newsletter: Reminder

Several months ago, I became aware of a Presbyterian church. It’s in a small town, and it’s not the largest church in town. But interestingly, they are unwilling to define themselves by size. Instead, they define themselves by the fact they wish to make disciples.

They believe that the Christian life is meant to be lived. So, they prepare people to live it. They are very intentional. They don’t just assume people will understand. From the little ones to the seasoned citizens, they work hard to teach and prepare people to live out their ministry.

Although they believe the faith, they are unwilling to leave the issue there. They are constantly asking questions. To paraphrase Socrates, they believe that the unexamined faith is not worth living. They are not afraid. They have serious conversations about parenting, relationships, work, money and politics. They want to know how their faith impacts these areas. They want their faith in God to be deeper and richer. I find that refreshing.

They aren’t perfect. They do have conflicts. They disagree. On occasion, the vehemently disagree. Still they continue to look at the person across the table as a brother or sister in Christ. Everyone in room is seeking what is best for the church. I find that refreshing as well.

They work hard to love God and to love their neighbor. And they realize that the whole deal is resting on the grace found in Jesus Christ. We don’t deserve it but God still loves us. Even when we want to hate ourselves or hate others, God continues to love us.

That church is not that far away, but you won’t find it on a map. Instead, it is the church that we said that God wanted us to be.

Calling and Commitment of
First Presbyterian ChurcH

Our Calling:
We are equipping the Church for the life of faith.

Our Commitment:
Relying on the grace found in Jesus Christ,
we glorify and enjoy God in all things.

Holding closely to the truth of God’s Word,
we ask with courage difficult questions of our faith and life.

Loved by God,
we show compassion respecting each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Guided by Christ’s commands,
we strive to love God, to love our neighbor, and to make disciples.